In less than a day

As usual they sat next to each other on the bus they took to college every morning. Sitting at his most favorite seat, the window, he talked her into the story of their future. There were giggles and there was laughter. They were both mature and responsible, helping each other lay brick by brick to build the foundation to a successful future that would bring their visions they had during the 2 years of their courtship to fruition. Future seemed to be quite promising, calling them into its brightness. In the advent of leaving college since it was the final year at the professional course they were pursuing, they have been, for a while discussing about breaking the news to their families. There was a dialogue continuing their earlier conversations about who should be the first to initiate the talks with either side of the families. It broke into an aggressive dispute in no longer than few minutes and got heated up to the boiling point. He grew fierce with rage in total disagreement to what she proposed should be the way to do it. Unable to contain it any further, he moved away from her in intense anger and took the seat right across from her.

There was dreadful silence between them both. The wind gusted into the bus that cruised on the highway, suffocating her as she stared out of the window in review of the entire episode. She was frustrated with the on-going discussion that drew no conclusions. She looked like she was lost in a deep thought, possibly thinking of a solution to their present problem.
All of a sudden, the silence broke. Bam! A tanker crashed into the bus while the bus was making a sharp turn and that was it!

He opened his eyes on the hospital bed with severe wounds from the collision. Her body was lying on the bed by his side. He soon realized that his love that desired to walk on his side through the rest of her life, generously took his place in death. Their problem, at the expense of her life and of a few others, was obviously solved. It existed no more. Whether he bypassed it or she seized it in response to his anger, remained a question to the divine. Shedding tears in agony, he cursed himself responsible for the disaster through the rest of his life.

In light of the above incident, I am reminded of Christ's sermon on the mount about reconciliation. Holding grudge against or being angry with someone is equaled to committing a murder.  It is possible that the after effects could be serious enough to support the equation. That is why as I see it, there is urgency in resolving the conflict and the same is emphasized in the sermon that offering at the altar comes only after reconciliation.  In alignment with the teachings of Christ in Matthew 5:23, Paul writes to the Church in Ephesus, to not sin in anger and to not let the dusk arrive while one is still angry (Ephesians 4:26). In simplification, he is saying to not hold grudge or anger for more than 24 hours. We can get angry for the right reasons, but still cannot hold it for a longer time. Reconciliation will not stop the inevitable. It assures peace with each other and keeps harmony alive, come what may so we may not live in regret of having committed an easily avoidable sin.

If we pretend that today is going to be the last day of one's life, think of how one would live before leaving this earth for eternity. A bollywood movie called 'Rubaru' as I recall, is the plot about a change in the attitude of a guy towards the girl he is in a relationship with, after he realizes that a series of events in the day go in conformance with his dream the night before. The story has an interesting twist at the end but makes one realize the importance of time and harmony with people that you care about in particular.
 

The subject in the above incident is a friend of mine. 11 years later, as of today, he is peaceful, calm and slow to anger, yet lives in great regret. His transformation was positive yet cannot undo the whole thing but sure helped avoid any such occurrences in the years that followed. A loss is a loss and will always remain one! This is just one of a billion such incidents that happen to an anonymous number of people everyday. Why live in regret when it is possible to avoid it? If the people that lost their lives in the recent earthquake in Japan were given a chance to come back to life, they will each have a similar story to tell about the dispute or unrest they want to settle with a spouse, child, family, friends, people at work or even a neighbor next door. When we do not know the challenges the next minute is capable of throwing at us, is it not wise to let go of the negative emotions we deal with each single day? While life is a short pilgrimage on earth, make it pleasant and worthwhile. By all means reconcile and remember to possibly do so in less than 24 hours, if not sooner.

Show that you care

Came across this passage from a book on how to unlock the untapped potential, and felt the urge to share it here.

We long for access to those people who are important to our future; friends, relatives, peers and leaders. Each of these relationships provides us with a line of hope. How much easier, or necessary, it can feel today to turn away. Many of us are numb and rushing. We rationalize ‬that we can't be all things to all people. That's true, but there are key moments when we must make conscious effort to show that we value others. We must be more keenly aware of what happens each time we turn away from another person who is counting on us and, even if inadvertently, we weaken that person's line of hope. Trust advances one brief interaction at a time. Each human point of contact either opens or closes a door. Even when you're rushed, you can still show that you care. 

Gist is: Slow down to show you care. Take a deep breath before talking to people you care for, give them time by setting the understanding that time you have in hand is brief, if it is and at all times make sure your body language communicates that they are genuinely being listened to.

Death...a door or dead-end?

I was consoling one of my friends who was mourning over the loss of a loved one, and that’s when I once again realized that no matter what we say or do, it is close to impossible to comfort the ones left behind. I saw my paternal grandmother cry her lungs out when my grandfather passed away. Her sorrow became even worse when the time came to earth the coffin up. As each one in the family came forward to fill in a handful of soil, she wept louder and louder and uttered things that no longer made sense. That scene left such an indelible impression that the memory brings tears to me even today after 17 long years. As the human heart realizes the fact that it is never ever going to be possible to talk to that person or even see with the naked eye, it is filled up with this inexpressible heartache and mental agony which is beyond human capacity to bear; some people commit suicide. It is an undesirable thought, an unwanted part and a sad truth of life.

While none of us ever dare to think about it, the sting of death will inevitably strike each one of us. Every beginning has an ending and so does the human body. And what next?

Now there are different theories. Every religion has a philosophy. But there can only be one truth. Each individual is convinced of this truth in a given way by the belief system they were raised in, it may be or may not necessarily be the truth. As for me, I am convinced and I believe that death separates us from our dearest ones, yet it makes way to heaven and communion with God. Believers, who have experienced salvation are comforted by this hope. Loss of loved ones does bring grief and sorrow, but the only source of their comfort is the hope to be re-united with their loved ones at the gates of heaven. To them death is a temporary separation, a transit to that eternal space of everlasting joy and happiness, it is a doorstep to eternity. I really wonder if it is a dead-end to those who do not have this hope. Whether it is a door or a dead-end, really depends on one's spiritual state of mind and acceptance to that one truth which is, was and forever will be the only truth!

the 'Silent Listener'...

When I was in 6th class (junior school, 11 years old), I had Geography for the first time in the curriculum that continued to be until I stepped out of school. Until 6th class, the curriculum had social studies, which was a general and a very high level foundation to Geography, History & Civics and Economics that came on as individual subjects in the later classes.

So was I introduced to reading maps of continents, their geographic locations with respect to latitudes and
longitudes, the landscapes, climatic conditions, crops in specific regions, the mountain ranges, minerals and ores etc...After each lesson on a particular topic, there was this exercise of identifying and marking the blank maps. My most favorite continent was South Africa, for the mysterious tales about the Amazon river, Zaire basin and the rain forests. And when it came to North America, the great lakes were in the list; the specific 3 that my eyes always pictured as the petals of a flower. I was so fond of these lakes; I colored them with utmost spontaneity right after the map was handed to me no matter what the objective of the exercise was. While fingers were busy, my mind used to be occupied in imagination and thoughts about these lakes, how they would for real look like and whether I could ever get to see them. Until then, the water bodies I saw were little ponds of murky water or man made ponds in and around my neighborhood but for the Bay of Bengal which I then got to see a couple times under the very protective supervision of parents.

Later, these thoughts along with the subject went completely out of mind with the urge to focus on the specific stream chosen in junior college to get into a particular professional course. The Indian education system was such, at least then, that people could only think of two professional courses, Engineering and Medicine. There was so much pressure on an average student to succeed, that it was a do or die situation. The focus was strictly narrowed down to the subjects of core interest, setting aside and completely ignoring the other areas of knowledge. It was like one’s vision is entirely limited to books and closed to almost the rest of everything, unlike it is said in the famous saying ‘Education is about replacing an empty mind with an open one’. Ah, I love it! The statement in itself is mind opening and makes so much sense. Though, it seems things have changed a lot for good in the recent times and there is an increasing awareness in the society, education system and especially in people’s mind set.

Anyways, before I get side tracked from what I wanted to say; I spent the last weekend by lake Michigan with my cousin! One of those 3 lakes I was fond of. I couldn’t believe that my childhood impossibility is now a reality! Following the excitement, I made a list of all those little thoughts I had since my childhood that I always wondered if they would ever come true. It is truly astonishing to realize that even the most little and the least expected ones have turned into a reality. In conclusion, there is this unseen guest, the silent listener, paying attention to every conversation, every thought and is constantly waiting in the want to prove that ‘He cares about every little thought; He cares about you!’

Freeway to tough love!

I was amazed when I first learnt about the way, the mother eagle teaches her young ones to fly. In order to teach them the art of flight, she throws the eaglets out of the nest from a cliff, and gives them a bed of thorns when they try to get into it. While the eaglets fearfully shriek and fall, the father eagle who shares an equal responsibility in raising the young ones, picks them up on his back and gets them back to the nest. This exercise continues until the young ones learn flapping and experience the excitement opened by the new learning. The eaglets during this process, would have many times questioned themselves about this cruel, mean and rather unusual behavior of the mother not knowing how much it hurts her to see them struggle in physical pain. Despite the pain, she knew that pushing them beyond their capabilities would eventually benefit and make them able enough to be self-dependent and self-sustained. This is one of those classic examples of tough love where success is a 100% guarantee.

I know of a father whose one and only 21 year old son, just out of college, not even a graduate, wanted to marry his teenage love. Surprisingly, as opposed to a typical father who would first think about putting an end to the love story, he tried to convince the son and expressed his intense desire to see him grow into an individual with an identity before he could tie the knot. The son however remained adamant and walked out on the family following a heated argument with the father. Given the situation with a chance to hold back the son, the father at this point,  chose the hard way. He chose to let him go with an assumption that the rough teacher called ‘life’ would help him learn the lessons he needed. I can imagine the agony of the father, the mental anguish he would have suffered from this separation; he would have accused himself more than imaginable times, guilty of putting the son through hardships. Nevertheless, he must have believed that the son would one day return back with an identity but much to his disappointment, he found him married and settled down for a mediocre life instead of pursuing his father’s desire.

I also know of another father, who in a similar way pushed really hard on the younger son in the family. The family stood together as a team, cutting down the emotional and financial aid and gave him the hard love to make him mend his life. Sure enough, a year later he worked his own way out, found solutions to his problems and is now leading a much happier, blessed and content life. I’m pretty sure, this family as well had their equal share of pain and suffering as the subject himself did.

During one’s life time, there would sure be times when the loved ones push really hard on an individual to the extremes of being mean and inconsiderate. And when they do, they know in their heart and they sincerely hope that one day everything will just be fine. It is easy to ignore that in fact it is hard on the ones giving the tough love since they for real carry the burden of selfless sacrifice. It is very much hurting to see someone dear struggling the worst fights of life. The pain is beyond words could express.

‘Tough love’ stands the core of both these examples. Yet we see quite contrary results. There is a fair chance that the outcome may be as it was expected to be. There is an equally fair chance that it may not be positive either. Unlike in the eagles’ story, when it’s a matter of chance, isn’t it a safe bet to try and fail than to have not tried at all?

The Yogurt story

The first time I saw her when she handed back my little note pad that slipped from my handbag. The next time at the porch by herself, looking into emptiness and the other time, with her hairs shaved off her head. Since then, I saw her almost every day and we began to exchange those looks of acquaintance.

            At the extended stay, I barely got to see the same people around but for this skinny lady, probably in late forties. I somehow sensed that she is not in a good shape. Whatsoever, we became so common to each other, it's as if we communicated speechless.

Last Sunday afternoon, I found the bathroom in my studio locked from the inside. Turns out, I have casually mastered the skill of locking myself out of the room. I did this countless times and with a lot of ease ever since I checked into this place.

            She came over to help, as she saw me helplessly making numerous trips to the front office. This time, by a matter of chance, I took a closer look on her only to see that she was pale, unhealthy and had blood oozing out of bruises on her neck. Her nails were filled with dirt and she smelled like a cigarette. She walked right in and tried to unlock the door, in vain. While the episode ended with an alternate arrangement made by the front office, I thanked her for the attempt to help and we introduced ourselves briefly, namesake.

Two days later, she came on my mind in fact, the only one I think I knew in the neighborhood, as soon as I thought of giving away an unopened yogurt to someone that could use it before it expired. I swiftly walked by the stairs to look for her and there she was in the usual pose with a cigarette in hand. The moment I said hello, she replied as if she were eagerly waiting to begin a conversation. And when I asked her if she would like to have it, she readily accepted the offer and invited me into her room.

           There was an awkward silence for a moment; we did not know what to talk. Hesitantly, she started and her eyes welled up with tears. She talked about her financially and emotionally broken state. She is suffering from a great loss and is by herself, deserted and all alone. The need of the moment was not yogurt, but a listening ear, few words of encouragement, a little bit of companionship, a sense of being cared for and she sure got it, courtesy of a soon to expire yogurt!! I felt a purpose to my presence at that moment and it was satisfying.

           It’s not easy to be alone, especially in distress, stranded in life with not even a single ray of hope. One may not solve problems, nor offer solutions, but who knows, during those “Who cares if” times, a word as small as ‘Hi’ could make an ocean of difference. It still matters on the receiving end, even if it were for a moment! It counts.

Next half to go!

At two different occasions during a calendar year, I make it unexceptionally important to look back in retrospect. These occasions come across indicative of a new beginning, yet, ironically, they bring an un-equivalently opposite feeling of joy as well as sorrow.

At the first occasion, there is an excitement in anticipation of a new year, and a new hope to see what is in store as the future unveils itself in time. Setting small-term objectives to achieve personal excellence and checking off the list of achievements made over the past course of time, undoubtedly gives a sense of satisfaction and a refreshing spirit to welcome the so called beginning of a new milestone. For some reason, this doesn’t come very personal, not at least to me. Along with zillion other people on the globe, I am happy to see the onset of just another year, which too will soon become history.

There is this other occasion that is personal and to me in particular, comes a little after the second half of the year had begun. Besides coming during the next half of the year, it brings a demanding need of seeking a purpose to the rest half of my life; a poignant reminder of progression towards eternal sleep and a painful review of an unproductive past. Advancing age deeply questions me of the very existence and it’s purpose and of accomplishments worth counting; often accusing me of lack of planning and discipline. I stand guilty, confessing a rather blank record of the list of things I wanted to do before I had lived for a few decades. In the yester years, this was one of those days that was much awaited, with the countdown having started literally months in advance, not even weeks. And today, I am here, trying to make every possible but futile attempt to at least pretend to have forgotten about it! Time just flew past and left behind a very sad realization of the fact that there is so much remaining to do in so little time!

I wonder if these thoughts are subjective to myself alone or if every individual is inescapably subject to them. As a matter of fact, it is humanly impossible to not contemplate life more often than not.

A close friend of mine has a pretty simple yet a scary logic that reduces the remainder of life into a little more than one thousand weeks. Makes sense; the idea of breaking it into functional, dysfunctional, productive and non-productive pieces in time and diminishing to a quantitative four digit whatsoever, does put things into perspective. This presentation of life in a conceivable amount of time dramatically influences one’s perception of life and enforces action towards living life in its totality.

I have been grateful to God and I still am year after year, for adding blessings to the journal of my life but at the same time there is this seemingly intense pressure haunting me day and night about my failures, some of which can never make up at all in a given life time. Those innocent moments of childhood, that hearty smile, that peaceful laughter, that undisturbed sleep which has now been lost into pretentious scenarios of today’s life is never going to come back. At this point, as I look at the ceaselessly ticking clock I once again realize “time and tide wait for none”!